Sometimes when I lay in bed at night I find myself going back and forth between wanting to be happy and wanting to cry out my pain. It’s mind numbing to be experiencing all of this when you just want to sleep.

Nights when my boyfriend isn’t here to go to bed at a decent time with me, I stay up way past our little “goodnight I love you” messages and I sometimes feel guilty for not telling him I’m having trouble sleeping.

When I first confessed to him I had something mentally wrong with me and that I needed help with my anxiety issues, that I needed reassurance he was there for me, he was very hesitant, he questioned me. “Why can’t you just be happy?” Or he would say “just relax” as if I didn’t want to, it was just my brain and body wouldn’t let me. Not until I was reassured he loved me, that he was going to be there when I woke up, that he was faithful and honest. Most people would say “you’re just being a girl” but to me, it physically hurts when I feel like something is going to go wrong.

With my boyfriends job, comes a lot of unanswered text messages for hours or short and cut off messages when he’s responding to an emergency, so sometimes he can say something that will trigger me and my first instinct is to blow up and shut down fast.

I will say, he has begun to handle this like a champ. He understands now that a simple resolution or quick response to negate whatever it is that set me off, to help me cool down is easiest.

Ive only just recently opened up about my problems. To my friends and family. And they’ve taken it increasingly well. You know at the end of the day, I only hope I can get better at controlling my mind.

These days of sleeping and not getting out of bed when you have a million things you need to do, and pretending you’re ok when you’re clearly not. The days of not eating because you just don’t want to. When someone calls and you blatantly stare as it rings, the piled up text messages.

I’m tired of it.

Tomorrow I get to bake with my boyfriend. We’re making cookies for his mom and dad. I think he’s just as much as in love with me as I am with him. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to show me what love is again.

Now to find my dream path and get some sleep before he comes home and I’m still awake. I hope someone out there is reading this.


About me.

My name is Jessica and I’m a 24 year old baking my way through life. Now, I didn’t set out to make a strict cooking or baking blog, so if thats what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the wrong place. There’s just a little bit more behind why I chose the word baking than meaning with simple ingredients mixed in a bowl and put in the oven.

I struggle with Anxiety and Depression. For the last few years I’ve wondered why I was so emotional, blaming it on my period and hormones, I mean what girl doesn’t get a little crazy in that time of the month? I’m an Active Duty Sailor and have been for the last four and a half years. Now, I don’t contribute my problems to have anything to do with the military but a lot of the things I’ve been through in life in general. I’ve always been the tough girl, the one who never cries or can hang with the boys. I won’t delve into details about my job, but its very male dominant to say the least. Mid 2016 I got back from my first deployment and realized I needed to work on myself even though I had spent most of deployment finding out who I was inside and working through my emotional demons, I was in fight mode.

Over a year prior to deploying I had been through a really bad break up, it was never the greatest relationship but it had been one of my first long term relationships I’ve had in my life. It took one phone call on my first training trip with the boys to end it all and I was so numb to not feeling loved or cherished that at that point all I could do was hang up the phone and stare at my boots, that I knew I had to put on and get back out on the range shortly after I hit END.

I had lost faith in myself, I lost faith in any man that tried to make his way into my life and my pants. I had my fair share of one night stands and emotionally detached-meaningless relationships in between then, but nothing was right. I vowed to stay away and make it through deployment without catching feelings for anyone stateside. Don’t get me wrong, I had plenty of bidders while I was gone, something about a girl being half way around the world must have been a really big turn on. But I politely declined. Love wasn’t the only thing on my mind during this time, this was the same deployment we lost one of our boys. One that was truly the epitome of a Team guy. Once my deployment had come to an end, all I wanted to do was see family, but even that got ruined when our flight home kept getting rolled to the right and I’d miss the opportunity to see their faces after almost 7 months.

It hit me hard.

I got home, to my apartment that my parents and brother helped move me into while I was gone. It was quiet. But I was glad to be in the homeland once again. I spent the next few days sleeping, a lot. I had 72 hours to myself before I had to get back into the swing of work again. For the next week I grew more and more back into society. But I wasn’t happy.

Now don’t judge me when I say this, but my yearning to get on Tinder grew more and more. So I did it. The first few guys I talked to ended just like that. Talking. By my second week of being home I had almost given up on finding “love”. Until one day I swiped right on a cheeky but handsome Fire Fighter for the City of San Diego. I gave him my number and told him to text me because I was in the process of deleting my profile and never logging back in. The next morning, I got a cute good morning text message from the man who would soon steal my heart.

We talked that day and he invited me out to go wake boarding with him and his buddies the next morning, but I declined. I was hit with an emotional breakdown that this was going to end just like the others and my failed attempt at a relationship years ago. I didn’t want to try. I was just scared. Later that same night he messaged me again, prompting an invitation to go out to a bar that was closing, who his buddies had known the owner. He was trying and I had felt so shitty for flaking on him earlier so I agreed. He showed up to my place a few hours later and we took an Uber to the bar just a few miles away. I had so much fun, we hit it off so well. He held me tight, he kissed me softly and I felt like all of my pain went away.

He went home with me that night and I knew I was hooked when he held me close on his chest as I fell asleep. I knew I didn’t want it to end. We spent the next morning together and he went home shortly after. But I couldn’t help but want to see him again. So we went out to a country bar down the road that night and he showed me what an amazing dancer he was. I was in love.

By the third date I gave him a key to my place. I know what you’re thinking, I’m crazy right? Well in that time I trusted him. He went to work a few hours after I did so I didn’t want to wake him or make him leave. He was there to sleep next to me and it made me feel so protected. I’d even come home to little love notes about how he couldn’t wait to see me and ask me if a certain day was good. My heart grew full. After about two weeks of dating, I had a social gathering at work on the beach and he’d come along. It was a celebration of life for one of my teammates that had been killed on my deployment months beforehand. He got to meet the guys I work with and see the family I had away from home and at the end of it all, they took him in like family too.

My love for this guy grew immensely. I so badly wanted to say it but I didn’t know if WE were ready. A few days after I had took some days to drive home to Arizona but, it was solo.  Every day that passed I missed him. I couldn’t wait to get back to San Diego and be with him again even though time with my family was much needed.

Once I got back, he was there at my place waiting for me. It was one of the best feelings ever. We dated for a month at this point and those three little words came out of his mouth while holding me in his arms. I loved him too.

Five months later and here we are, happily in love. I guess you could say Tinder was just the spark I needed.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I used the word baking, so here it is. When you learn to love yourself and then begin to share it with that special someone, sometimes you lose yourself in all the mess. My depression and anxiety was full blown and I had tried everything before I just ruined what I had worked so hard for. So I started baking, my boyfriend loves chocolate chip cookies so I’m almost always baking those up but sometimes I like to try new recipes.

When I feel an anxiety attack or I feel debilitated by my depression, I bake.

I’m hoping to reach out to anyone with similar problems and help them find their present peace and find a way to get themselves back to who they are inside their hearts. No one deserves to live with this, I hope to inspire people to get out and find their way to happiness. I want to share my story day by day and occasionally I’ll let you guys know what I’m baking.

Tonight, since my boyfriend had to work, which consists of a 24hr shift, I baked lemon drop cookies. I wasn’t too fond of the recipe but I made cute little chewy drops for him to try tomorrow. He’s never hated anything I’ve baked, but I can only hope to get better.