Sometimes when I lay in bed at night I find myself going back and forth between wanting to be happy and wanting to cry out my pain. It’s mind numbing to be experiencing all of this when you just want to sleep.

Nights when my boyfriend isn’t here to go to bed at a decent time with me, I stay up way past our little “goodnight I love you” messages and I sometimes feel guilty for not telling him I’m having trouble sleeping.

When I first confessed to him I had something mentally wrong with me and that I needed help with my anxiety issues, that I needed reassurance he was there for me, he was very hesitant, he questioned me. “Why can’t you just be happy?” Or he would say “just relax” as if I didn’t want to, it was just my brain and body wouldn’t let me. Not until I was reassured he loved me, that he was going to be there when I woke up, that he was faithful and honest. Most people would say “you’re just being a girl” but to me, it physically hurts when I feel like something is going to go wrong.

With my boyfriends job, comes a lot of unanswered text messages for hours or short and cut off messages when he’s responding to an emergency, so sometimes he can say something that will trigger me and my first instinct is to blow up and shut down fast.

I will say, he has begun to handle this like a champ. He understands now that a simple resolution or quick response to negate whatever it is that set me off, to help me cool down is easiest.

Ive only just recently opened up about my problems. To my friends and family. And they’ve taken it increasingly well. You know at the end of the day, I only hope I can get better at controlling my mind.

These days of sleeping and not getting out of bed when you have a million things you need to do, and pretending you’re ok when you’re clearly not. The days of not eating because you just don’t want to. When someone calls and you blatantly stare as it rings, the piled up text messages.

I’m tired of it.

Tomorrow I get to bake with my boyfriend. We’re making cookies for his mom and dad. I think he’s just as much as in love with me as I am with him. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to show me what love is again.

Now to find my dream path and get some sleep before he comes home and I’m still awake. I hope someone out there is reading this.